I’m quite satisfied with my life by now. I’m building my every day happiness piece by piece, with commitment, passion and joy. It’s not an easy process, or a smooth one. Some things get in the way, very often indeed, and I try not to get stuck by those pebbles that I face on my path.
Sometimes I can handle it, and sometimes…I learn.
Few days ago I went to the ER. I fainted, in my office. I was back after a very intense exams session and I was literally drained but happy, because of the success in my university career. In the past week, before the exams, I tried to stick with my normal routine schedule (meditation, exercise, house chores and so on), but it was really hard. I gave up on my exercise program because I was literally without energy: the study took all of my strenght. But I was ok, because sometimes you face priorities and insted of being solid rock (too solid rock), I prefer to be water and follow the stream. Just for a few days.
Coming back to work, I thought I would be able to regain my routines, and my life how it was before my finals session. I was so wrong. I’ll be clear, I don’t love my day job. It’s a desk job, but I don’t like the business area they’re in, and I don’t like to collect calls from angry clients all the time. The boss manage the entire office without coordination, communication and clear goals. So it’s a mess, and it’s a great source of stress for me.
So why I don’t quit? Because it’s a part time job, so I have time for myself after 14 pm, and because I must pay for my studies (hopefully I will graduate in spring 2017, so there’s little time left), but above all I need some money in order to improve my real dreams, and to buy my artist’s tools and stuff. I’m working hard in the evening to build a proper job alternative, somewhat that can reflect me and myself honestly.
But for now, I work there. I have this day job, and when I went back to it after the exams session I pretend to be ok. To be fine. To be relaxed. It worked? No. As I say I fainted near the bathroom and hit my head on the door. They took me at the hospital, where doctors did all the necessary tests and (thankfully) they found nothing wrong in my body. But something happened, for sure: it was clearly a stress breakdown.
What’s that? It means that your body is talking right to you saying you need to stop and rest. Relax your nerves. Let your mind be steady and calm. But how come it happened to me? I practice yoga and meditation, I (try) to practice mindfulness…how come?
The answer was clear to me: that’s ok, but it’s not enough. Not for me, not for this situation. Why? Because I try to be happy and to become a better person, to improve myself (and I made huge steps in the last year), while my day work try to take me back to the start. Always. Every day.
Now that I have some time to rest (I’m forced to, actually), some time for myself just to relax and do the things I like, I realized that I need some help. I must develope the right tools in order to continue with my path of self-improving and not be influenced by the nature and the attitude of my day jobs.
So my path is expanding. It’s going much wider than I thought in the very beginning. I’m happy and thankful for what happened to me last week, I’m happy of that episode and I’m thankful that it was just that: an episode. I’m thankful for being on, that my health is really good. I’m thankful for all of this because I opened my eyes much more than before.
What I’m trying to say to myself (and to you), it’s that sometimes you need to compromise: with yourself, with your daily life. But just don’t compromise with your dream. Let your dream guide you, and let that dream ignite your soul. Don’t forget it, don’t mistreat it. Love it and look at it while you’re doing the stuff you must do in order to reach it, or get near to it.
Even if it’s just a tiny step.
If you give up, even for a little while (and you know that’s never for a little while), you’ll get sick. You’ll become a shadow of yourself, a pale shade of your real potential. In order to achieve something you must see it, even if it’s just a visualization in your mind.
It will be hard, but it will be harder just to give up.
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